What makes a good parent?

Recently, I had the privilege of being a referee for a very good and close friend of mine who is going through a process to adopt a child. Besides the blood pressure increasing and fury generating angle that this bloody stupid moronic process entails, this process made me think a bit as well. We were trying to adopt for some time as well, but then we failed (wrong colour, wrong religion, wrong parents – already had a baby and wrong desire for a baby rather than a child).

Anyway, these are the standard questions that I was asked about my friend and his wife.

• How long have you known them?
• Describe their personalities
• Describe their relationship
• Would you describe them as a supportive husband or wife?
• Do you think they would make good parents and why?
• What unique qualities do you think they will they bring to parenthood?
• Can you think of a situation where their relationship has come under pressure and how they dealt with it?
• Can you think of a particularly stressful situation and how they dealt with it?
• What exposure have they had to children and how would you describe these experiences?
• Do you think they have made good preparations for having a child?
• There is a new system (contact?) which involves encouraging children to have contact with natural family – do you think they will be agreeable and support this?

Of course I think my friends are great potential parents, in fact, I am comfortable that if something happens to us, they will take care of the kids. Its that close, but besides that, it made me think about what makes a good parent? When we had Kannu in 1995, hand on heart, I don't think I would have ticked all these points. I was a total shithead at that time, we were going through some serious stress (completely new and first serious financial sector rocket scientist job after the comfortable world of academics, applying for British residency and getting rejected the first time, moving homes, financial pressures, health problems and and and). Preparations for a child were between over thinking / analysing and complete panic. I really made some spectacular mistakes in parenting with Kannu. I worked too much and did not spend enough time with him, travelled too much and wasnt there with him for many of the life events in his little life. Well, hopefully that was addressed with Diya, but still, made me think what makes a good parent.

And what really pisses me off is that the state goes through so much pain and trouble (they have been undergoing this process now for 1 year) for adoptive children for couples who are so loving and caring and then on the other hand, you have feckless couples punching out kids with gay abandon without a thought. Life is just so not fair..Ok, I know, I know, its just a rant…