I spend a considerable time at the vet, sorry, the hospital today. And as sod's law had to have it, I forgot to take a book. And as further poxy sod's law would have it, the only magazine I could lay my hands on was Vogue. After I managed to look guiltily around to see everybody was busy coughing, sneezing or dying to notice what I was reading, I pulled the magazine towards me.
It was the December 2006 UK edition with a lady called as Sienna Miller spread over the top. My first impression was that it was heavy, quite heavy. How on earth are women supposed to either carry it around, read it in the bath or what have you when it weighs a brick?
Ok, so opened it up. I stared blankly at the editor's page. It was English but I could not understand it. It was like I was slightly out of phase with the editor. It was supposed to be the Glamour Issue and page after page, it showed women in glamorous clothes and the reason for being so. For example, the Queen Elizabeth entry said that she was glamorous because of her jewels. Another lady's glamour coefficient was attributed to her legs. That supermodel who goes about tonking people on their heads with her mobile phone was apparently glamorous because of her clothes.
I realised something, none of the women, the featured or the women in the advertisements, had any breasts. Glossy hair, long giraffe like neck, knobbly back, legs up to the armpits, lovely eyes, but no, no breasts. I didnt understand that. Must be some kind of a deep women's secret. Mind you, pick up a guy's magazine and all you see are breasts! But back to Vogue.
So I wanted to check what's in Vogue. Well, seems like balloon or hoop skirts are in. They look like you have a 6 feet diameter ring at the bottom (or anywhere actually) of the skirt. I was amazed at the engineering involved. How would they climb on a bus or go shopping for potatoes in a normal supermarket aisle with that skirt? Or is this another of those secret women things (see breast note above).
Oh! there was another thing. These absolutely gorgeous women seemed to seriously get drugged up by sniffing some organic chemicals in seriously good looking bottles. If you look at any advertisement for any perfume, all the women look seriously drugged. Why would that be attractive to women? To actually douse yourself with chemicals which make you jump over water hydrants, poke your fingers down some guy's pants, clutch a bottle as if it contains your last peg of gin, undress in the living room....?
And the guys. The guys in the advertisements are plastic dolls. I am sure of it. Where's the beer? where is the beer gut? where is the chest hair? yes, question. What happened to the chest hair? you are not a man if you don't have hair emerging out of your nostrils, ear, armpits, chest, back, etc. etc. And why are all these men lazing around? They are all draped over some bloody thing. They should get some cold showers and buck up, all this draping is bad for the posture and spine.
By this time, the doctor came to take me away and then when I got back, the magazine was still there. I was waiting for my prescription to be delivered so flipped through the rest of the magazine to read some more, but didnt get much chance. Kate Moss and Naomi Cambell were apparently telling people how to become stars or how to have star quality. Its quite easy, no? become a coke head or be foul mannerly?
Ah! well, I was driven to write this note after reading this note.