Saturday, October 6

Investment Bankers and their requirements for a wife or a girlfriend

Investment Bankers and their requirements for a wife or a girlfriend

A fascinating story. I have to copy it in here so that you get the idea. But what I thought was to write out a response on behalf of that lovely lady to the investment banker and that’s at the bottom.

Original Post: 25 Year-Old Beauty Seeks Rich Banker

'What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board ? Any wives ? Could you send me some tips ? I dated a business man who made an average of around 200 - 250K. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. $250,000 won’t get me to Central Park West. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker, and lives in Tribeca. She’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right ? How do I get to her level ?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out ? Give me specifics - bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting ?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the Upper East Side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘Plain Jane’ boring types, who have nothing to offer incredibly wealthy guys. Then I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the East Village. What’s the story there ?

- Lawyers, investment bankers, doctors. How much do those guys really make ? And where do the hedge fund guys hang out ?

- How do you rich guys decide on marriage vs. just a girlfriend ? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial - at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice hearth and home'.

An Investment Banker's Response:

Dear Pers-431649184:

'I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I’m not wasting your time. I qualify as a guy who fits your bill - that is, I make more than $500K per year. That said, here’s how I see it:

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is a plain and simple crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity - in fact, it is very likely that my income will increase, but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms, you are a depreciating asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, however, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain - you’re 25 now and will likely remain pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 - stick a fork in you!

So, in Wall Street terms, we'd call you a trading position - not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to 'buy you' (which is what you’re asking) - so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following: if my money were to go away, so would you - so when your beauty fades I need an out too. It’s as simple as that. So the deal that makes sense for me is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as 'articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful' as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that, if you are as gorgeous as you say you are, your $500K man hasn’t found you - if only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money - and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic 'pump and dump'. I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, please let me know'.

My suggested response to the investment banker

Ah! But I am an depreciating asset all right (for that matter, you are too, but your cash flow stream more than overcompensates for the toxicity of the future tummy expansion, and contraction of the hair). But the depreciating asset is a convertible one with two embedded options.

The first option is for conversion to a wife, preferably before the day that the hair/tummy factor becomes less than positive and cash flow benefits become more important. If you do not take up that wife-conversion option, then the expanding gut and thinning hair will require a constantly and exponentially increasing stream of invested earnings to keep on having new ladies.

Second option is that you have a put option on a baby (which is preferably contingent on the first option being exercised), and that’s where the knowledge that good genes will be passed on to the baby. You have to admit, the main reason why you investment bankers are so attractive is because you can make and have money. We have also established information that those money-making genes do not travel very well down the generations. On the contrary, good looking genes do travel well.

So for an upfront investment in this depreciating asset will, in the long run, make your overall yield curve positive.

All this to be taken with a grain of piquant salt!!!

1 comment:

Brett Tate said...

Dear Whore;

I appreciate your honesty. At 500K a year, you've tagged your coochie at an astonishing $1369 a day! Quite modest, aren't we! But I admit, I'm still intrigued at what such an astonishing figure might offer, and would hate to miss out on what must be the best lay in the world. So I'd like to go for the daily rental plan to satisfy my curiosity before taking the big plunge on a nominal lease plan.

But before I commit to a rental though, a few questions, dear.

Having seduced and rented an embarrassingly large number of women, I must say you really need to explain your pricing. You humbly find yourself spectacularly beautiful, but really now, that just your opinion. Just last month at the Novahotel disco in Bangkok, I had 25 different Russian Anna Kournikova look-a-likes offer a rental price of $150 a night.

As a man, I imagine my beautiful meter is far more subjective than yours. Since you're American, the odds are miniscule you're even close to as beautiful as them, let alone ten times more beautiful to justify $1369 a day!

So is it your sexual performance? Just in the last month, in Thailand and the Philippines I've paid $30 a night to at least half a dozen girls who could star in porn today. Are you 45 times better to command $1369? Hmmmm.

Is your snapper gold plated and does it shoot fire? If it only shoots darts and smoke cigars, I've already seen that for free at Long Gun in Bangkok.

Maybe you have some magical pink taco that changes transmission fluid, carries my golf bag, baits my hooks, and morphs into a different 21 year old every night? That might be worth something, I imagine. $1369? Well...

Also, you seem naive to the game. Men don't pay for sex, we pay for the women to leave. It sounds like you expect to come back every day! Good grief!! The excitement of newness fades quickly, sometimes in an afternoon, so surely there must be some decelerating price scale as the days add up. Please advise.

Lastly, you don't speak do you? I don't like to talk to whores, and avoid cocky ones like the plague, which you clearly are.

Maybe you're actually some package deal. Do you have a fleet of hot girlfriends that give great BJs or something? Because in Pattaya a threesome is just $60, and some of those girls sucked it so hard my ears wiggled and the bed sheets went up my butt. So what does a $1369 hummer feel like? Really. I'd like to know.

Geez, prostitution can be so difficult at times. This is hard work.

Warm Regards,

Brett Tate