Friday, August 28

Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs with a sense of humour

You normally dont associate tax people (or even bankers or even anybody who has anything to do with finance and figures) to have any sense of humour) but check out this letter by HMG’s tax chap. I wouldn't mind paying my taxes if they are accompanied with missives of this wonderful nature.

Dear Mr  Addison,
  I am writing to you to express  our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest  communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will  address them, as ever, in order.

  Firstly, I must take issue with  your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps  more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the  Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally  referred to such documents.

  Secondly, your frustration at  our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling  vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.  However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which  you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper  councils,  Lombardy  pirate banking houses and pissant  gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to  the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In  common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of  these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a  "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great  Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the  nation as a whole.

  Which brings me to my next  point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that  the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly  that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought  to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects  you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates  you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by  taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark.  Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish  lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have  accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade  of a university system."
  A couple of technical points  arising from direct queries:

  1. The reason we don't simply  write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the  postal system;
  2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never  been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance  didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved  would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the  meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your  decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you  did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live  in  India " you would still owe us the  money.
  Please send it to us by  Friday.
  Yours  sincerely,
  H J Lee
  Customer  Relations

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