Saturday, May 31

Suicide bomber falls down stairs ...

(Perky, enthusiastic, arrogant suicide bomber) Hi, I am here for the 72 virgins.

(bored bureaucrat Gabriel) Say what?

(very self righteously, looking around for applause and appreciation) Oh!, you don’t know me. I am the latest suicide bomber, I am a martyr, and I am here to claim my 72 virgins.

(muttering, poxy gits, cant even let a man drink his mint tea in peace) Wait a sec, let me check the records.

(impatient and slightly unsure about the 72 naked girls who will drape over himself soon but covering it with arrogance) Sure, but come on, get a move on, I want to get to my virgins who must be panting away for me.

(apologetic) Ummm, there seems to be a problem. Looks like you actually did not die in a martyrdom operation but just blew yourself up after falling down stairs. I do not remember anything in the by-laws about giving virgins to people who fall down stairs and blow themselves up.

(gobsmacked, outraged!)What do you mean there is no bylaws? Sure there is, it is all about the niyaat. I wanted to blow up some kids, policemen and some teachers in the greater glory of god. It was those mean Zionists who supplied bad cement to the infidel republic of Afghanistan and that caused the stairs to have crumble. It was not my fault.

(trying to calm the chap down with reference to rules) I am sorry, mate, but if we started to give out 72 virgins to everybody who died in an accident, then we will run out of the virgins. You know our actuaries actually plan to have the relevant number of virgins in stock based upon our mortality tables of suicide bombers.

(collapse of confidence in front of rules and technical talk, appeals to universal brotherhood) Come on, brother, I do deserve it, I was a nice chap, see? I even put khol around my eyes.

(bureaucrat points to the human element and being reasonable) I realise that you are good looking but I have a responsibility towards the virgins as well. How do you think they will feel when they are at the beauty parlour getting their armpits fixed and then their neighbour leans over and says, “Hi, welcome, you must be news, my suicide bomber killed 12 children and 4 soldiers. How about you?” what will your virgins say? “well, ummm, ah, he sort of injured 2 stair steps and 3 people”. And then burst into tears. Between you and me, mate, these virgins are very temperamental, they want proper terrorists, not somebody who had an accident with some stairs.

(looking very disappointed by this time). But cant I claim the 3 injured people?

(patiently refers to rule book) Ah, no, my clumsy friend, you cannot claim accidentally injured people. See? By law 2.34.5 sub-section 3 clearly says that collateral accidental damage must be done in close proximity not exceeding 23 meters from the original main target.

But hey (perks up), I even made a martyrdom video!. Surely, the virgins would like to be with somebody who has made a movie?

(Shock / Horror as he stands up in a rush overturning the chair) You made a video? Do you not realise that making a video is haram? You are not allowed to represent a living being because Allah will ask you to recreate it on judgement day and when you cannot do so, then you will have to spend the rest of eternity in hell.

(withdraws hastily). It was not my fault, it was the fault of those Arab Taliban mullah’s, they told me to do this. They said that they have a fatwa from some fellow.

(glares). So you go about listening to anybody who says anything and don’t read the quran yourself? No wonder you fell down the stairs.

(near tears by this time). Please, Sir, I realise I made a mistake in making that video, but none of it was my fault. It was the Arabs, Americans, Zionists, Infidels, apostates and all who made me do all that and not fulfil my holy mission.

(still very upset) I do not care, this is not good. I have a good mind to send an inter-office memo to the office of Arabs Affairs.

(gingerly but curiously). The Arabs have their own office? What about Afghans?

(gets distracted). Of course, rest of the world are just fine, we just have to deal with the normal run of the mill human problems. But gosh, the Arabs need special attention. Why do you think I appeared in Saudi Arabia in the middle of a desert? And not in say Mauritius or in Helsinki? So yes, they need special attention. I am here in the rest of the world office on deputation, I got tired of handling them.

(whining). But Sir, cant anything be done for me?

(mollified by all the whining and now just wishing to get back to his mint tea) Well, I do have 2 slightly used shop soiled virgins. The last batch had a bit of water damage from a leak in the warehouse and we didn’t catch it in time. I was going to send them back but if you are ok with some slightly cranky homaresses of virgins, I can give them to you.

(bit relieved), well I will take them. Hang on, what do you mean, last batch? When was this last batch received?

(basilisk stare after raising head from filling up the form). Why? 1400 years ago. What is your problem with 1400 year old virgins? Nobody else had a problem with 1400 year old virgins ever before.

(hastily) no no, no problems, Sir, glad to take them (accepts the signed approval form)

(airily waves over to the next window). Go to Tariq over there with the form. He will issue you the heavenly clothes, the vouchers for the beauty parlour and the checkout forms for the virgin warehouse.

(Goes back to his mint tea, muttering) the very cheek, wanting 72 virgins for injuring 2 stairs. What’s next? Wanting 72 virgins for writing an op-ed or blog post?


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