Tuesday, January 29

Allah Cancels Virgins for Martyrs Program

TBS pointed me to this wickedly funny post following from my previous satirical post.

Islamic Heaven officials have announced a major policy shift which could significantly impact upon proclaimed jihads across the world. The Virgins for Martyrs program, a central tenet of jihadist philosophy for more than a thousand years, has been cancelled.

"Allah has made the decision. We won't be housing any more suicidal jihadists," Islamic Heaven spokeswoman, Sukai Sanchez told the media. "So the virgins are no longer needed."

This dramatic shift in policy is not unexpected. Just last year Brainsnap reported that Islamic Heaven officials were finding it difficult to recruit the necessary virgins to satisfy the increasing number of suicide bombers knocking on their door.

According to virgin coordinator, Pamela Murray, there were a variety of reasons for the shortages.

"It was partly to do with the type of people who became suicide bombers," she said. "We got a lot of pimply teenagers with chips on their shoulders and little hope of getting a woman unless they strapped explosives to their bodies and detonated themselves in a crowded place. I don't think the prospect of serving these guys inspired too many young Islamic Virgins, no matter how devout they were.

"Secondly, young women today often have higher aspirations than simply being one of seventy girls pleasuring one man for eternity. It doesn't really compare with becoming a lawyer or doctor for example. As such, just like the martyrs themselves, the quality of applicants for the virgin positions tended to be poor."

However the shortage of virgins appears to be just one factor contributing to the cancellation of the program. According to Islamic Heaven sources, Allah had become sick of the logistical problems of housing thousands of young explosive enthusiasts.

"We couldn't really locate them close to our other residents," Islamic Heaven Planning Minister Sourev Mahouly revealed during a media conference yesterday. "Understandably, people get jumpy when they're living too close to people who have a tendency to fool around with dynamite, if you know what I mean.

"We had to find them premises separate to the usual residential areas. Not quite as pleasant to the rest of heaven... And of course, that too led to problems."

Brainsnap reported last year that young martyrs were dissatisfied with their new lodgings.

"I expected more to be honest," young Saudi, Mullar Salami, said. "My parents' house in Riyadh is better than the dive they gave me. And at least my parents weren't too cheap to pay for cable."

The ingratitude of the martyrs, claims Mahouly, was a significant reason for Allah's decision to cancel the program.

"He feels he's been taking advantage of. When he originally promised it as a consolation prize for the unbelievably devout, he imagined that there would be only a trickle of new martyrs each century.

"But now every tin pot conflict across the globe is being proclaimed a holy jihad and there are literally hundreds of them walking through our door each year, whining and complaining about the accommodation, entertainment and everything else. As far as Allah is concerned, they can all go to hell and the Devil can deal with the head ache."

Hell has yet to make an official comment. However, a spokesperson has said, of the record, that there is plenty of room as their residents are not as sensitive about who they have as their next door neighbors. "Suicide bombers could feel quite at home here. There's heat and destruction and people getting torn to pieces daily. They'd fit right in."

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